Training our children in godliness is perhaps the most important job we parents have. Churches offer little real help, actually, nor are they meant to—it’s the parents’ job. Caution: The application of God’s rules below are not meant to be formulaic, but the speaker has found it to work surprisingly well on his own children. Some of these instructions appear harsh, but he cites Scriptural reasons for each. So I plead with you to obey God and trust that He will give you and your children growth into godliness as we obey His Word—as exactly as we can. God’s Word is being ignored by both Christian and non-Christian today. It’s too easy to “go with the flow,” but God urges us to be separate from the world. Just because they’re too often raising sons of the devil is no excuse for you to follow their example.
Let’s start with Ephesians 6:1-4:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” 4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
The discipleship of our children involves three phases:
First, the discipline training phase—crucial in the first few years of a child’s life. In this phase, we are saying, “Child, give me your attention.” Of course, when the baby first comes home, we are giving that baby much more attention. But at some point, that must change. We have ways of telling that child, “Your survival has been secured; so from this point on, you must pay a lot more attention to us.” If we don’t do that, we raise egocentric, narcissistic, spoiled beasts—and that’s not what we’re after here. God is serious about this, as we read in I Samuel 3:11-14 about Eli, a Levite, or priestly official who performed worship services associated with public worship, including assisting priests, guarding the temple, playing music, and serving as temple officials. But--his sons were lazy gluttons who mistreated the food and people who supplied the animals brought for sacrifice. To scorn God this way ultimately led them to an early death:
Then the Lord said to Samuel: “Behold, I will do something in Israel at which both ears of everyone who hears it will tingle. 12 In that day I will perform against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. 13 For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he did not restrain them. 14 And therefore I have sworn to the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli’s house shall not be atoned for by sacrifice or offering forever.”
God has given parents authority and responsibility about raising your children by His Word. Remember, think of you training your child between the ages of nine months to three years as you read below.
John Wesley’s comment on these verses point to the parents: “…they who can and do not restrain others from sin make themselves share in the guilt. Those in authority will have a great deal to answer for if that sword they bear be not a terror to evildoers.”
Our natural tendency in this culture is to never spank: “Well, they’re just kids and they have their own minds.” But we’re talking about sin here. It’s like if a crime is committed but the policeman does nothing-- our response is to place some blame on the police officer. We would think, “You had the badge, you had the charge to stop the sin from happening, and you did nothing.” That’s why God is holding up Eli to a fearful judgment: “he did not restrain them.” And that is what God can hold us parents accountable to. Are we supposed to halt all the sin of our children? No; but we have the call to restrain the sin we see. The policeman is guilty if he wipes his hands and says, “Eh, just crooks acting as they were raised.” That’s the point. And we are guilty if we say, “Eh, toddlers.” Or, “Eh, teens.”
Here is a word from Jonathan Edwards: (not restraining your children) “is a sign that you have brought up your children without government, that your children regard not your authority…this is the fountain of so much later debauchery and of such corrupt practices among young people.”
Family government in our country is in a great measure extinct, by neglect of Scripture and ignoring the judgment of God. We must proclaim “Thus saith the Lord” to our child to avoid guilt. Without it, the untrained children grow up with more sin which they will be accountable for in judgment; and so will parents as well.
God made the command that “Children obey your parents in the Lord,” so we should consider disobedience (not doing what we say) as sin. The child may learn nuances of disobedience, too, and we should expose them and flush them out. We’re speaking of two more areas. First, if they delay in doing what we ask till doing it when they feel like it (which can be a passive aggressive rebellion), OR if they are not respectful—you must force them to be accountable to Scripture that says “honor your father and your mother.” So if they do it with wailing, or, later, head-wagging, stomping feet, slamming door, they have still violated the 5thcommandment. These expressions are wrong, and unacceptable. Come down on the child with punishment if they break any of the three of what “obedience” really is.
This may be hard in the first three years of a child’s life—he/she seems so innocent. But the very young child learns to test you in many way. Remember, you’re not the child’s friend—you’re his parent, with God-given responsibilities. The real meaning of love is: showing him what God expects. It’s not as important to develop your child’s reading, or creativity, as it is to teach them to obey, when to obey, and with respect.
Once the child is learning this, then we are really ready for the second phase, teaching. We will call this “catechism,” not because we’re Catholic, but because the word has a broader meaning—it’s teaching, by means of questions and answers that the child learns. This begins when the child is verbal—between the ages of 3 to 4—and continues on past adolescence Keep in mind your goal, for them to respond to God’s Word. BUT it’s tough to catechize a disobedient child.
Continuing on, two things to avoid in the first phase: Inconsistency between parents—i.e. mom has one standard of obedience, dad has another. They send mixed messages to the child, confusing him. Or, the child learns to play off one against another to get what he wants—he manipulates them. That builds up his ego in a sinful way. Inconsistency also is, when we’re at home we have one standard, but when we’re out, where we don’t want to be embarrassed, we have another. The child learns when to act up and be more successful in getting what he wants—another sinful thing to learn. Then, you remove the child from public display. Then you take the child to a private place, and give him the same treatment that you would at home.
The second thing to avoid: Anger. Well, you might ask,” doesn’t it produce a fear of being disobedient in the child? Not a good result.”
Well, what about James 1:20:
…the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
I want my children to obey me because they honor me, and honor the position that God has placed me in. There’s also the problem that if the husband yells, and the child responds, what will the child do with the wife’s lighter voice, who isn’t scary? They might ignore her; but children need to respect and respond to both in the same way. In this phase, we want to win our children’s hearts; anger doesn’t do that. Using anger doesn’t trust God.
Thirdly, avoid contradiction. Like yelling “YOU BE KIND TO YOUR BROTHER!” Or like saying, “Johnny, put down that toy. I’ll give you to three; 1…2…” Or, by repeating yourself ten times. The point is, Johnny knows when you’re on your last nerve, and won’t obey you till he hears that special frustrated tone. See, by doing these, you’re teaching that child delayed obedience, one of the three aspects of disobedience. So we’re really coaching Johnny to sin. Doing that means I’m flexing his sin-muscle.
By the way, Johnny might not have heard me right, so the way I test that is, when he doesn’t do what I ask, I approach him with my spanking tool (the rod of correction), and if he jumps up, Busted! He was, indeed, disobedient. But instead he might look quizzical, and say, “What did I do?” Then you can repeat the part he didn’t hear.
If you’re wary of spanking, remember that the child is resilient, and will get over it quickly. (If they wail that you’ve almost killed them, that’s just another technique they have to change your mind. If you stick by your standards, and ignore them when they wail-- that will fade away. Their standard is, “whatever works.”) Think of this, too: we thank God for the beautiful grace He gives to our child—namely, they have a great desire to please us. You put something on the refrigerator that they did, or just say, “y-a-a-ay” when they do it right, and with plenty of hugs all around, that child will light up and smile so big that it looks like it will break their face. God gives them that. Build that up too.
You should show and teach your children. Too few parents actually show the child how to do something. Some say, it’s too frustrating, they make too many mistakes. Well, take your time, be patient, they can learn one thing at a time. So you’ll sit down for several sessions. Even something you think they automatically know, like “sharing”—don’t assume. You can’t just sit your child down next to another child, and then ask them to “share.” You need to teach the child how to share, that it’s a “win-win” situation. You sit down, tell them “We’re going to play the sharing game,” and then give one child a toy, then comment favorably when the child smiles, or uses the toy. Then show how the child gives the toy to another. But you comment unfavorably if another child tries to take it away, or hogs it.
Or, say a child is too shy to greet people (these are people you know, of course). They hide behind mama’s leg. So you teach “greeting.” Show them how: we stand up, we look them in the eye, we extend our hand and shake firmly. We encourage our kids, we repeat the steps over and over.
Now you have to assume rebellion, so then it’s time to apply correction. I mean, please spank your children—early and often. For those who say, “I only had to spank her maybe twice her whole life.” Really? Are you raising Jesus? No, I suspect that’s not very active parenting. For those who say, “Just reprove them. Spanking is not necessary.” Go ahead and lay that rule down—so you are wiser than King Solomon—or, actually, wiser than God. Because HE best knows and loves His creatures, and His commandment is in Prov. 13:24:
He who spares his rod hates his son,
But he who loves him disciplines him promptly.
And Prov. 19:18:
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying
Do you really think you love your child more than God? No. Follow His rules to truly love your child. We mistakenly believe that our children will love us more if we don’t spank. Well, that’s a selfish motive to begin with. Truth is, and studies agree, that if you don’t spank your children, they will even get to where they despise you. They will not respect you. You may believe Dr. Spock or Dr. Oprah or Dr. Phil, but you refuse to believe God. That’s called idolatry. There are many Old Testament views on where that leads you. Do you ever let your child be vaccinated (I’m not talking about the untested Covid vaccine)? Well, that hurts too, right? If your child could get one of these horrible bacteria, you’re willing to allow your child to be temporarily hurt to forego that. But you know, too, don’t you, that because of the Fall, every child already has a venom, called sin. Sin is poison. The rod of correction is part of the anti-venom. Remember Eli.
You may not believe Proverbs 22:15:
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
The rod of correction will drive it far from him
But you are perhaps are denying that Solomon was writing under the influence of the Holy Spirit. Denying God’s Words, as a regular thing, will get you a lot of places at the Judgment Seat—just not heaven. So if you regularly follow the culture, or follow the majority… beware the destination (Matthew 7:13, 14).
Another reason we don’t spank is because we think it “child abuse.” Yes, the world is getting closer to the day that if your child is spanked, and reports it to authorities, let’s say at school, you will be hauled off to jail. Then the child gets the ultimate payback for thwarting his narcissism. Let’s pray that doesn’t happen. Until that day, we should be in the business of following God, not the perverted culture. Did you know that when some parent is put away for child abuse, it’s more likely that they’re paying a price for NOT following God’s commandments? How’s that, you say. Sometimes, a parent who doesn’t spank has a wild child on their hands, and the child has taken the parent to the very last nerve with constant disobedience. When the parent snaps, and whales on the child, leaving bruises on the arms or legs, that’s abuse…because the parent was NOT following God’s plan. Spanking should be done without anger. The child is first quietly told what his sin was, that Christ had to die because of sins like the one he had committed, that God loves him, and gave him parents that love and correct him. Then after the spanking (which should hurt), the parent embraces the child, and the child is reconciled—and the parent should not bring it up again—because that’s a sign that reconciliation didn’t happen. The parent would be a liar. The child will recognize that what he is hitting his head against is a rock, called God’s Truth. This is not about my relationship with the child—I have clearly let him know that I love him. It’s not personal; I’m doing this because it’s my duty as a parent under God. I want the best for you—and that’s following His instruction. What happens if my child resists reconciliation? (Holding a grudge is another attempt at getting his way—another act of rebellion). Then you have to spank him again.
Don’t miss the spankings just because you’re tired, or feel that the child (or you) is getting worse with these methods, or the child is uncorrectable. You may have to use “tag-team” with the other spouse administering correction if the child is not getting it. (If the child seems to have other issues that cause a spate of uncharacteristic unruliness, try to get them to bring it up—but if they don’t, you must proceed with correction). It is seen that as long as we deal with disobedience regularly, the less likely that we’ll have those frustrating moments. These are all phase one of lifting your child to God.
May God lead us in our most important job.
Acknowledgement: Voddie Baucham, Sermon on “The Importance of Biblically Disciplining Children”
Note: There can be no greater model for child-rearing than Susanna Wesley, mother of John Wesley, the great founder of Methodism. Through his perseverance (he traveled an estimated 250,000 miles on horseback), there was a great Revival in England that turned people to the Lord, and that in turn birthed social reforms as well. Susanna was the youngest daughter and the twenty-fifth child of the distinguished Puritan minister, Dr. Samuel Annesley. Her methodical and renowned approach can be seen in these words she penned about raising her ten children (nine more did not survive infancy—typical mortality of the day). Keep in mind, she home-schooled all her children. She also lived in poverty (but never regretted it), since her husband, Samuel, had contracted income of only 60 pounds a year, but he had time to be a rector (the head clergyman of a parish; he led religious services, delivered sermons, and oversaw parish affairs, while also playing a role in the social and civil life of the community, including overseeing births, deaths, and marriages). She did have one to two servants, usually white children whose parents lent approval, who were trustworthy and reliable (except one, which accidently smothered her child). They cost very little, since their earnings were mostly food and a roof over their heads. Here are her words:
The children were always placed in a structured routine from birth in all things suitable to their age, such as dressing and undressing. The first three months generally passed in sleep; after that, they were, if possible, laid into their cradle awake, and rocked to sleep—remaining so until it was time for them to wake. This method was used to establish regular sleeping patterns--which initially were three hours in the mornings, and three in the afternoon, then reduced to two, until no naps were needed, by the age of one, or sooner. They were taught to fear the rod, and to cry softly; thus avoiding much correction, and that dreadful noise of crying, which was rarely heard in the house. The family usually lived in as much quietness as if no child were among them. As soon as they were reasonably strong, they were limited to three meals a day. At dinner, their small table and chairs were placed beside ours where they could be supervised. They were allowed to eat and drink as much as they wanted, but were not permitted to ask for anything. They were never allowed to choose their food, but were made to eat whatever was served to the family. At 6:00, following family prayer, they had their supper by 7. Then they were bathed, starting with the youngest, then dressed them, and got them all to bed in their nightshirts by 8. They were left in their respective rooms awake; as it was not allowed in our house to sit by a child, until it fell asleep. They were so accustomed to taking what was given to them that if any of them were ill, there was no trouble in getting them to take unpleasant medicine. They dared not refuse it. They quickly learned that they could not have anything they cried for, and were taught to ask politely for what they wanted. They were not permitted to ask even the lowest servant for anything without saying “please give me such-a-thing.” And the servant was reproved if she allowed them to omit that word.
There were several additional rules we observed which I believed to be useful. First, we noticed that fear of punishment often leads children to lie; eventually forming a habit that is difficult to break. To prevent this, a rule was made: if a child confessed a fault honestly, and promised to amend, they would not be punished. This rule reduced lying considerably. Second, no sinful action, such as lying, stealing, playing at church on the Lord’s day, or disobedience, or quarreling--was ever allowed to go unpunished. Third, no child was to be scolded or beaten twice for the same fault; and if they amended, they would not be reproached for it afterward. If any child performed an act of obedience, or did something to please, even if it were imperfectly done, the intention was kindly received, and the child was gently guided on how to do better in the future. That promise was to be strictly observed, and a gift once given was to be not taken back.
As I said, a great model to use today. It clearly worked then, with John—and let’s not forget, his musician brother, Charles (my favorite was “And Can It Be?”)—being the proven results of godly child-rearing. I can’t tell you how strongly I feel about home-schooling as well.
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