Raising Christian Childen

Training our children in godliness is perhaps the most important job we parents have. Churches offer little real help, actually, nor are they meant to—it’s the parents’ job.  Caution:  The helpful rules below are not meant to be formulaic, but the speaker has found it to work surprisingly well on his own children.  Some of these instructions appear harsh, but he cites Scriptural reasons for each.  So I plead with you to obey God and trust that He will give you and your children growth into godliness as we obey His clear word—as exactly as we can.  God’s Word is being ignored by both Christian and non-Christian today.  It’s too easy to “go with the flow,” but God urges us to be separate from the world.  Just because they’re too often raising sons of the devil is no excuse for you to follow their example.

Let’s start with Ephesians 6:1-4:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ² “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: ³ “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”  ⁴ And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

The discipleship of our children involves three phases:

First, the discipline training phase—crucial in the first few years of a child’s life.  In this phase, we are saying, “Child, give me your attention.”  Of course, when the baby first comes home, we are giving that baby much more attention.  But at some point, that must change.  We have ways of telling that child, “Your survival has been secured; so from this point on, you must pay a lot more attention to us.”  If we don’t do that, we raise egocentric, narcissistic, spoiled beasts—and that’s not what we’re after here.  God is serious about this, as we read in I Samuel 3:11-14 about Eli:

Then the Lord said to Samuel: “Behold, I will do something in Israel at which both ears of everyone who hears it will tingle. ¹² In that day I will perform against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. ¹³ For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he did not restrain them. ¹⁴ And therefore I have sworn to the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli’s house shall not be atoned for by sacrifice or offering forever.”

God has given parents authority and responsibility about raising your children by His Word.  Remember, think of you training your child between the ages of nine months to three years as you read below. 

John Wesley’s comment on these verses point to the parents: “…they who can and do not restrain others from sin make themselves share in the guilt.  Those in authority will have a great deal to answer for if that sword they bear be not a terror to evildoers.”

Our natural tendency in this culture is to never spank: “Well, they’re just kids and they have their own minds.”  But we’re talking about sin here. It’s like if a crime is committed but the policeman does nothing--  our response is to place some blame on the police officer.  We would think, “You had the badge, you had the charge to stop the sin from happening, and you did nothing.”  That’s why God is holding up Eli to a fearful judgment: “he did not restrain them.”  And that is what God can hold us parents accountable to.  Are we supposed to halt all the sin of our children? No; but we have the call to restrain the sin we see.  The policeman is guilty if he wipes his hands and says, “Eh, crooks.”  And we are guilty if we say, “Eh, toddlers.”  Or, “Eh, teens.”

Here is a word from Jonathan Edwards:  (not restraining your children) “is a sign that you have brought up your children without government, that your children regard not your authority…this is the fountain of so much later debauchery and of such corrupt practices among young people.”

Family government in our country is in a great measure extinct, by neglect of Scripture and ignoring the judgment of God.  We must proclaim “Thus saith the Lord” to our child to avoid guilt.  Without it, the untrained children grow up with more sin which they will be accountable for in judgment; and so will parents as well.

Since our goal is also the command that “Children obey your parents in the Lord,” we should consider disobedience (not doing what we say) as sin.  The child may learn nuances of disobedience, too, and we should expose them and flush them out.  We’re speaking of two more areas.  First, if they delay in doing what we ask till doing it when they feel like it (it’s also sometimes a passive aggressive rebellion), OR if they are not respectful—you must force them to be accountable to Scripture that says “honor your father and your mother.”  So if they do it with wailing, or, later, head-wagging, stomping feet, slamming door, they have still violated the 5^th commandment.  These expressions are wrong, and unacceptable. Come down on the child with punishment if they break any of the three of what “obedience” really is.

This may be hard in the first three years of a child’s life—he seems so innocent.  But the child learns to test you in many ways, even though young.  Remember, you’re not the child’s friend—you’re his parent, with God-given responsibilities. The real meaning of love is: showing him what God expects.  It’s not as important to develop your child’s reading, or creativity, as it is to teach them to obey, when to obey, and with respect.  (Once the child is learning this, then we are really ready for the second phase, teaching.  We will call this “catechism,” not because we’re Catholic, but because the word has a broader meaning—it’s teaching, by means of questions and answers that the child learns.  This begins when the child is verbal—between the ages of 3 to 4—and continues on past adolescence. So I’m saying, it’s tough to catechize a disobedient child.)

Continuing on, two things to avoid in the first phase: Inconsistency—i.e. mom has one standard of obedience, dad has another.  They send mixed messages to the child, confusing him.  Or, the child learns to play off one against another to get what he wants—he manipulates them.  That builds up his ego in a sinful way. Also inconsistency is, when we’re at home we have one standard, but when we’re out, where we don’t want to be embarrassed, we have another.  The child learns when to act up and be more successful in getting what he wants—another sinful thing to learn. You take the child to a private place, and give him the same treatment that you would at home.

The second thing to avoid:  Anger.  Well, you might ask, doesn’t it produce a fear of being disobedient in the child?  Not a good result.  Besides, there’s James 1:20:

…the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

I want my children to obey me because they honor me, and honor the position that God has placed me in.  There’s also the problem that if the husband yells, and the child responds, what will the child do with the wife’s lighter voice, who isn’t scary?  They might ignore her; but children need to respect and respond to both in the same way.  In this phase, we want to win our children’s hearts; anger doesn’t do that. Using anger doesn’t trust God.

Thirdly, avoid contradiction.  Like yelling “YOU BE KIND TO YOUR BROTHER!”  Or like saying, “Johnny, put down that toy.  I’ll give you to three; 1…2…”  Or, by repeating yourself ten times.  The point is, Johnny knows when you’re on your last nerve, and won’t obey you till he hears that special frustrated tone.  See, by doing these, you’re teaching that child delayed obedience, one of the three aspects of disobedience.  So we’re really coaching Johnny to sin.  I’m flexing his sin-muscle.

By the way, Johnny might not have heard me right, so the way I test that is by, when he doesn’t do what I ask, I approach him with my spanking tool (the rod of correction), and if he jumps up and does it, Busted!  He was, indeed, disobedient.  But instead he might look quizzical, and say, “What did I do?”  Then you can repeat.  

If spanking still turns you off, remember that the child is resilient, and will get over it quickly.  (If they wail that you’ve almost killed them, that’s just another technique they have to change your mind.  If you stick by your standards, and ignore them when they wail, that will fade away.  Their standard is, “whatever works.”)  Think of this, too:  we thank God for the beautiful grace He gives to our children.  They have a great desire to please us.  You put something on the refrigerator that they did, or just say, “y-a-a-ay” when they do it right, and with plenty of hugs all around, that child will light up and smile so big that it looks like it will break their face.  God gives them that.  Build that up too.

You should show and teach your children. Too few parents actually show the child how to do something.  Some say, it’s too frustrating, they make too many mistakes.  Well, take your time, be patient, they can learn one thing at a time.  So you’ll sit down for several sessions. Even something you think they automatically know, like “sharing”—don’t assume. You can’t just sit your child down next to another child, give the two only one toy, and then ask them to “share.” You need to teach the child how to share, that it’s a “win-win” situation.  You sit down, tell them “We’re going to play the sharing game,” and then give one child a toy, then comment favorably when the child smiles, or uses the toy. Then show how the child gives the toy to another.  But you comment unfavorably if another child tries to take it away, or hogs it.  Or, say a child is too shy to greet people (these are people you know, of course).  They hide behind mama’s leg. So you teach “greeting.”  Show them how: we stand up, we look them in the eye, we extend our hand and shake firmly. We encourage our kids, we repeat the steps over and over.

Now you have to assume rebellion, so then it’s time to apply correction.  I mean, please spank your children—early and often.  For those who say, “I only had to spank her maybe twice her whole life.”  Really?  Are you raising Jesus?  No, I suspect that’s not very active parenting.  For those who say, “Just reprove them.  Spanking is not necessary.”  Go ahead and lay that rule down—so you are wiser than King Solomon—or, actually, wiser than God.  Because HE best knows and loves His creatures, and His commandment is in Prov. 13:24:

He who spares his rod hates his son,
But he who loves him disciplines him promptly. 

And Prov. 19:18:

Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying

Do you really think you love your child more than God?  No. Follow His rules to truly love your child.  We mistakenly believe that our children will love us more if we don’t spank.  Well, that’s a selfish motive to begin with.  Truth is, and studies agree, that if you don’t spank your children, they will despise you. They will not respect you.  You may believe Dr. Spock or Dr. Oprah or Dr. Phil, but not God.  That’s called idolatry.  Many Old Testament views on where that leads you. Do you ever let your child be vaccinated?  Well, that hurts too, right?  If your child could get one of these horrible bacteria, you’re willing to allow your child to be temporarily hurt to forego that.  But you know, too, don’t you, that because of the Fall, every child already has a venom, called sin. Sin is poison. The rod of correction is part of the anti-venom. Remember Eli. 

You may not believe Proverbs 22:15:

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
The rod of correction will drive it far from him

But you are denying that Solomon was writing under the influence of the Holy Spirit.  Denying God’s Words will get you a lot of places at the Judgment Seat—just not heaven.  Follow the culture, follow the majority, but beware the destination (Matthew 7:13, 14).

Another reason we don’t spank is because we think it “child abuse.”  Yes, the world is getting closer to the day that if your child is spanked, and reports it to authorities, let’s say at school, you will be hauled off to jail. Then the child gets the ultimate payback for thwarting his narcissism. Let’s pray that doesn’t happen.  Until that day, we should be in the business of following God, not the perverted culture.  Did you know that when some parent is put away for child abuse, it’s more likely that they’re paying a price for NOT following God’s commandments?  How’s that, you say.  Sometimes, a parent who doesn’t spank has a wild child on their hands, and the child has taken the parent to the very last nerve with constant disobedience.  When the parent snaps, and whales on the child, leaving bruises on the arms or legs, that’s abuse…because the parent was NOT following God’s plan.  Spanking should be done without anger.  The child is first quietly told what his sin was, that Christ had to die because of sins like the one he had committed, that God loves him, and gave him parents that love and correct him.  Then after the spanking (which should hurt), the parent embraces the child, and the child is reconciled—and the parent should not bring it up again—because that’s a sign that reconciliation didn’t happen.  The parent would be a liar.  The child will recognize that what he is hitting his head against is a rock, called God’s Truth.  This is not about my relationship with the child—I have clearly let him know that I love him.  It’s not personal; I’m doing this because it’s my duty as a parent under God.  I want the best for you—and that’s following His instruction. What happens if my child resists reconciliation? (Holding a grudge is another attempt at getting his way—another act of rebellion). Then you have to spank him again. 

Don’t miss the spankings just because you’re tired, or feel that the child (or you) is getting worse with these methods, or the child is     uncorrectable.   You may have to use “tag-team” with the other spouse administering correction if the child is not getting it. (If the child seems to have other issues that cause a spate of uncharacteristic unruliness, try to get them to bring it up—but if they don’t, you must proceed with correction). It is seen that as long as we deal with disobedience regularly, the less likely that we’ll have those frustrating moments. These are all phase one of lifting your child to God.

Acknowledgement: Voddie Baucham, Sermon on “The Importance of Biblically Disciplining Children”